i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize