I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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