remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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