life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
