I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
