He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Randomize