yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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