felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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