I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
