He disabled his match.com account in front of me
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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