Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Randomize
