reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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