and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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