I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
