Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
