The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
