I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
