youre lurking in front of me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
