I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
