Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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