Duck Duck Cougar?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
