Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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