Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
