Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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