I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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