I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
