i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
