i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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