Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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