i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
