I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
