i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
