I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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