So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
i believe in u and ur pee
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize