Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
