wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
