Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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