he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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