maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
