Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
