So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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