im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Randomize