Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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