Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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