Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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