note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Someone came in the potted fern
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
