Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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