Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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