I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
