he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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