Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
