after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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