man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
