I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I love black thongs
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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