fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
