...so i touched it.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
