Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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