For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
