you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
You left your phone here
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