I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
