I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
