I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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