Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
